"Am I
the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".
welcome
vendredi 9 mars 2012
longest word in the English language
What is the longest word
in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"
stuped scientists
Some
scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.
For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.
For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.
good and bad news
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
americans and canadians
Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations 10.10.95:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.
Canadians: This is a little lighthouse. Your call.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.
Canadians: This is a little lighthouse. Your call.
a woman
A woman visited her doctor and complained,"this morning t went to the
bathroom...and 5 pennies came out.....this afternoon i went again and
dimes and quarters fell out.I couldn't wait to get here!!!"
The doctor said "take it easy.You're just going through your change
The doctor said "take it easy.You're just going through your change
men
Three men, an Italian, a French and a Spanish went for a job interview in England. Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.
The Italian was first:
"I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day."
The Spanish was next:
"I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV."
Last was the French:
"I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green...green...", I pink up the phone and I say "Yellow ?..."
lawyer
A lawyer was walking down the street when he saw an auto accident.
He rushed over and started handing out business cards.
"I saw the whole thing" he said."I'll take either side"
He rushed over and started handing out business cards.
"I saw the whole thing" he said."I'll take either side"
wrong man
Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
easy questons hard answers
Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!
no to school
¤Boy to mother: I've decided to stop studying.
How come? asked the mother.
I heard that that someone was shot dead, because he knew too much.
¤Mother: Why are you crying?
Sally: Because I fell and hurt myself.
Mother: When did that happen?
Sally: About twenty minutes ago.
Mother: But you've only just started crying.
Sally: I know. Earlier, I thought you'd gone out.
¤Get up, shouted Albert's mother. You'll be late for school.
But I don't want to go, protested Albert. All the kids are horrible, the teachers
are terrible, and it's all extremely boring. I want to stay home.
But,replied Albert's mother, you're forty-three and the headmaster of the
school.
How come? asked the mother.
I heard that that someone was shot dead, because he knew too much.
¤Mother: Why are you crying?
Sally: Because I fell and hurt myself.
Mother: When did that happen?
Sally: About twenty minutes ago.
Mother: But you've only just started crying.
Sally: I know. Earlier, I thought you'd gone out.
¤Get up, shouted Albert's mother. You'll be late for school.
But I don't want to go, protested Albert. All the kids are horrible, the teachers
are terrible, and it's all extremely boring. I want to stay home.
But,replied Albert's mother, you're forty-three and the headmaster of the
school.
first day
Mother: How was your first day at school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!
Teacher: When do astronauts eat?
Pupil: At launch time!
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!
Teacher: When do astronauts eat?
Pupil: At launch time!
other hand to write
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's
final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up
tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family
member's death. One smart ***, male student said, "What about extreme
sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
the way you're thinking
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
prophet Mowgli
Question: “Who was the first prophet to speak with animals?” Student’s answer: “The Prophet Mowgli, peace be upon him.”
Top 10 Reasons You know you're American
1.You are disappointed if you have the same cuisine back-to-back
2.You drive around looking for the closest parking space...at the gym!
3.Speaking a second language means you're an immigrant
4.You line up at 3am on "Black Friday" so that you can take advantage of sales on the day after Thanksgiving
5.Going out for a walk means getting the mail
6.You think that there are political solutions to spiritual problems
7 .You line up 5 days in advance to pay $600 for a video game system
8.Your SUV has a "My child is a blah blah blah" bumpersticker on it
9.You can't find the states on the map
10.You believe everything you hear on Fox News.
she said he said
Whenever a man has something to say, you
can be sure a woman always has to have her say in the end...
He said... Want a quickie?
She said... As opposed to what?
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
He said... This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said... No problem, I'll get you some that is.
She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.
Priest... I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said... Who's gonna look?
He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said... No, have you?
He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said... Well, you succeeded.
He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.
He said... Want a quickie?
She said... As opposed to what?
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
He said... This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said... No problem, I'll get you some that is.
She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.
Priest... I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said... Who's gonna look?
He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said... No, have you?
He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said... Well, you succeeded.
He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.
a man and a woman
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
three sons
Three sons left home, went out on their own and
prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our
mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third
smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed
reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a
remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the
church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name
the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
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